a while ago i stepped away from blogging. not just that, no, i stepped away from social media. facebook, instagram, twitter, i barely pinned. i've always been an all or nothing girl, in this regard. usually, after being "driven" away from life online, and sometimes in person, i told myself they only way to quit is cold turkey. i suppose i thought the only way to avoid unwanted drama was to not only be invisible but also to cease to exist in any tangible way. it was never the attention that i craved from blogging or even instagram -- no -- i just wanted connection.

it could have been that i grew up in the smallest town, surrounded by the smallest opinions. maybe it was that i didn't fit in, maybe no one does, but for whatever reason i wanted to know other people agreed with me, saw me as valid and would want to listen if i chose to speak.

after a while of hiding in my corner i started to feel very sad. it seems silly to say "instagram is important to me" but it was. instagram was, blogging was, pinning and tweeting all were. i had learned so much online and opened my world up with that gateway. but how can i just come back? my name (not giving that out, just yet) is so specific that you could find me in two clicks. it's just that easy. i missed selling things, artwork of my own, but even those paintings seemed to scream "hey, all of you that don't like me! that want to see me fail! i'm right here!! come and get me!" taking the high road was leaving me feeling a little empty. if i'm being honest, a lot empty. i felt guilty for feeling that way, i really did. part of me is trying to talk myself out of feeling guilty now... but i need this. and i want it. 

so i decided that i would compromise. i would be authentic, post and create and share all of the things that meant so much to me. i would listen to my heart and make it about my words not about my self. i can pursue a life full of interaction, community and sharing... i can and i deserve to - just like everyone else - i just have to do so with care. the thing is, i envy people with thick skin. i am tough, strong and determined, but i have a breakable heart and even if it's only me who knows, it's still true. i would never punish my children, ground them from the park because they'd been bullied on the swings. why was i punishing myself? i was being unfair, just forwarding my own shame spiral and holding up all of my own progress in favor of valuing the opinions of my own playground bullies over what i know to be true about myself. 

so for the time being, i'm enjoying my life... and having it all... quietly.